A Mentor writes:
After attending the "Conflict Resolution" Seminar my mentee (age 14) was very motivated to try a new way. However, I
could tell that something was bothering him. So, I asked him about it and he confided that his dad and older brother have
trained him to "hit first and ask questions later"... that you have to "establish respect". I wanted to talk to him about
"macho culture" and what it really means to be a man, but I'm not sure how to go about it without confusing him more. What
would you recommend?
Response:
This is a very delicate balancing act. You can't condone dad's philosophy, but if you go against it you run the risk of
alienating the boy or his family. The most important thing is to make sure that you are able to stay in his life. It
is clearer now than ever that this young man needs a positive male role model. So, it would be very risky to challenge
the father's statement. So, you might want to start by engaging your mentee in a discussion, rather than stating your
opinion of what he should do. Some conversation starters:
- How does it make you feel when you solve problems that way?
- What do you think would happen if you tried it this way?
- What do you really want to happen?
- What are all the ways you can go about getting what you want?
- When is it appropriate to handle things in that way, and what other options do you have?
This gives him permission to try a healthier approach, without directly challenging dad and big brother. If you model in your words and actions a reasoning man's approach to dealing with issues, your behavior will teach this young man more than your words ever could.
As much as it pains me when I hear that some men are still teaching their boys that way, I am encouraged to know that there are also so many positive influences like yourself. Thank you for being there, and keep it up... you just may be saving a life.
